Are we waiting to appreciate the now?

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The fact that so many of us are postponing our satisfaction, happiness, contentment or joy is heartbreaking. We are waiting for the right conditions to arise before we can settle into the moment and know that we’ve made it. For me on the homestead it’s : “When we have hot running water, when the house is done, then we’re eating the yields from all the fruit and nut trees we’ve planted…”

There is no later, and I can’t sacrifice the present for some idealized future. Is it really worth forgoing the present for future gains?

In seeking balance during this seemingly ever busy summer I took a step back from the massive of undertaking of building a house, tending food forests, keeping up with annual gardens, building infrastructure etc. to look at where we’re at, where we’re going and what the roadmap looks like.

I know we’re not alone in this, although for others the conditions may be different, but the sacrifice is the same. Big tasks, life goals, and even sheer survival can be daunting and the drive to accomplish and progress can push us into unhealthy spaces.

I’m writing from a little break from it all that we’re taking. I can say I’ve gotten into unhealthy spaces all too often, driven by the impetus to secure our base needs or to push for progress on a variety of projects. The work never ends, and the itch for expansion is real. Inspiration and vision motivate action, but there’s a point when the push to accomplish overshadows the ability to appreciate the process.

For us the pressure we often feel is 100% self imposed, and yet we still push ourselves to a point where we fall out of balance.

I’ve heard this story from many folks seeking to live a life of integrity, connected to the natural world. In seeking the simple life there’s often an overwhelming amount of planning, labor, input and time involved in manifesting such a vision. People get burned out, finances suffer, relationships break…

Why is this story all too common?

There are many layers to this, but it seems in our society (be it conventional or alternative), we succumb to the struggle where we are waiting for things to change until we sink deeply into the moment and truly inhabit the space we’re in. Just waiting for the next things before happiness arrives. So what are we really waiting for?

I have been pushing progress on our house build, wanting to meet a goal of winter inhabitation. There’s so much between here and there I feel as if I need to be working 100% of my waking life. I have cedar posts to notch out for a timber frame, framing to figure out for the second storey, roofing considerations, water lines, electrical and more. Wren is on a similar page too and is tending much of the gardens, but a lot of this feels like it falls on my shoulders.

Work has become an addiction and like other addictions it takes me out of balance and away from the present moment. To the point of exhaustion, frustration, emotional breakdown, neglect. It’s not worth it, yet I’ve found myself succumbing to the voice of “not enough”.

Enough in my mind is an unattainable goal. It’s a bar that moves further as I approach it. There’s always more work that lies ahead. This is a fact of subsistence farming, homesteading and building a house; the work never ends. It’s not the amount of work that is the issue, rather my approach and view of work. I’ve been going about it all wrong, and listening to the out of reach feedback loop.

Taking a breather from it all to perceive from a bird’s eye view reminds me of the bigger picture of life and how little all the issues are in my life compared to the great wide world. I’m safe, have access to plenty of clean water, am well fed, and have a roof over my head. It’s not a life or death situation, but I’ve been acting like it is.

I’m in need of a reboot and that’s just what I’m going to give myself.

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